A Streetcar Named Desire

This is a post I put up on my family's blog...I don't really think that anyone looks at that blog, though, so I'm reposting it here because I'm vain and I want attention or something (heeheehee):

For the past month or so my every thought and action has been tainted by a certain fictional, manipulative, and very messed up someone known to the world as Blanche DuBois. She's an alcoholic and a smoker, she makes bad decision after bad decision and her need for constant and hearty approval means that every bad decision impacts the people she loves most as well. Of course, like everyone out there, she does have her redeeming qualities. She loves deeply, sees the poetry in the world where others see blandness or mire, and understands people in a way that many do not. Blanche DuBois is a character that I first fell in love with, then found myself hating but, finally found a kind of kindred spirit in her.

In the conversations I realized the play was a lot more relevant than I initially believed. I had trouble wanting to invite people to this play because, although it is a classic, it is not a pretty story. By the end Blanche has been driven insane and her sister's life in New Orleans, once imperfect but happy, is left in shambles. Of course my character's habits of drinking, smoking, cussing, and indulgence in casual sexual encounters, coupled with the rape at the end of the play also made it hard to invite family members. It is not exactly a "bring the kids" kind of production. However, once I was able to get over my discomfort with my family's ability to separate Blanche's behavior from mine, I started to find valuable tidbits of gold that were surprisingly applicable to my life that I would like to share with you, if you have the patience to indulge me:

There are two bits of monologues in particular that I would like to offer to all of you because of the incredible meaning I found in them. The first was actually cut from our production because it evidently did not have the same profundity for my director as it did for me, but I think it one of the most beautiful pieces of writing in the play. I have now realized that it is so meaningful to me because I missed this part of my father's death. The guilt that Blanche is here reproaching her sister with is a guilt that I have felt. Although everyone in my family says my Dad passed away quietly I have always gotten the very subtle impression that this part of his journey is one that I should not have missed.

"Funerals are quiet, but deaths- not always. Sometimes their breathing is hoarse, and sometimes it rattles, and sometimes they even cry out to you, "Don't let me go!" Even the old, sometimes, say, "Don't let me go." As if you were able to stop them! But funerals are quiet, with pretty flowers. And, oh, what gorgeous boxes they pack them away in! Unless you were there at the bed when they cried out, "Hold me!" you'd never suspect there was a struggle for breath and bleeding. You didn't dream, but I saw!"

The other monologue that is so meaningful to me is nearly at the end of the play where I have been cornered by my love interest. He has realized that I am not the moral pillar of "old-fashioned ideals" that I have painted myself as and is confronting me about it. Finally I cave and I tell him the truth. It is the second sentence in the following quote that I find the most powerful because it encompasses how I felt and acted after my Dad died. I didn't run around having sex with strangers like Blanche did, but I did find myself repeatedly ripping myself out of places before they could become meaningful. I found my protection in isolation by way of constant movement. I found the goodness in people by refusing to get to know them on a more than superficial level. It seems to me that it was the same for Blanche. Blanche found the goodness in people by only having physical relations with them. She had been hurt so badly by the loss the person who was most important to her in life that she couldn't sustain another relationship for years. She could only ping-pong her way through life, looking for happiness everywhere it wasn't and hoping that eventually she would find someone that could understand and fix her.

"Yes. I had many intimacies with strangers. After the death of Allan intimacies with strangers seemed all I was able to fill my empty heart with. I think it was panic, just panic, that drove me from one to the next, looking for protection in the most unlikely of places."

It's a good play. All y'all missed out if you didn't get to see it. We've been hearing really good things from everyone who has come so far, which is a lot of fun. Especially considering how much time we've put into the play. It's only been a month, but Blanche is a verbose little lady, and I have spent a LOT of time sticking her words into my head. :)