Just Call Me Midas

Today I was thinking about the story of King Midas. For those who are not aware:

Once upon a time there was a king named Midas who entertained a magical creature of some kind for a few weeks. This mythical creature appreciated the favor and, before he left, told Midas that he would give him anything he wanted. Unlike King Solomon, Midas did not think to ask for something that would make him a better person or ruler. Instead, he went for riches and asked that everything he touched would turn to gold. His wish was granted. He touched a rock: gold. He touched a chair: gold. Good King Midas was ecstatic and ordered his chefs to put together a huge banquet to celebrate. (This is where too many people let the story drop off. Lookitt Mr. Midas and his magic fingers! He's gonna be the richest dude EVER.) Midas goes to his banquet and picks up a turkey leg. It turns to gold. He laughs at his stupidity and uses a fork to scoop up some mashed potatoes. As soon as they touch his lips they turn to gold. He suddenly realizes what he's asked for. He cannot touch anything without it turning to gold. Surprise... He cannot eat, he cannot drink, he cannot hug his daughter (in the Nathaniel Hawthorne version he does and he's left with a statue instead of a child). Of course he tries to revoke his wish, but that's not important to my blog entry. Brush up on your Greek mythology or read some Hawthorne if you're curious.

Anywho, I've been feeling a bit like Midas because it seems I ruin everything I touch. I've heard people change "gold" to "shit" when they are trying to express what I am, but gold is just as bad. It is just as useless and heavier. (Although it would be less smelly...pros and cons, my loves, pros and cons.) I suppose I could sell everything I turn to gold, but what am I going to buy? More things to turn into gold? That's a terrible idea. It would be impossible to enjoy anything. The point of the story (aside from the "don't be greedy" moral) is that things are perfect as they are. Trying to change one thing to another because the latter is more "valuable" is ludicrous, because things are as they are. Let it be.

Urgh, getting sidetracked.

I ruin people by not expressing myself properly. When I was at J2M2 there were some communication issues (which I had nothing to do with, for the record), so one night we all sat in the front room and were reminded about how to have a fruitful conversation. In an ideal conversation one person should express himself and his friend should repeat what she heard. If it matches what he thought he said, they are supposedly golden. If not, they should continue until they understand each other. The problem is that people are too ready to assume that they understand each other when they really don't.

If you've ever had a conversation of moderate depth with me, you've probably noticed that I'm constantly asking questions. Occasionally I'll catch myself stupidly nodding in agreement with a statement I don't understand, or flippantly believing that I understand something that I do not. However, for the most part, I will ask questions constantly in an effort to wholly understand the person to whom I am speaking. We're not as identical as we think we are. What I mean when I say "he was a jerk" is probably different than what you mean.

So my problem is that I say things and then assume that people know what I meant when I said them. For instance. I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine and he was telling me about how he's a selfish person. He said it with a tinge of shame, as well he should. I told him that I admired him for at least knowing that selfishness was one of his flaws. He heard the admiration, but did not get the implications underneath it. I had a similar conversation with him later, this time with a larger group of people, and this time he spoke with outright, brash pride of his selfishness. The vice was not and is not admirable (and he really hasn't ever struck me as a selfish person...he's a generous dude), it was the self-awareness that is admirable. But, because I am evidently incapable of expressing myself, he got the wrong impression and I may very well have messed him up.

It is so easy to forget how influential small words and conversations can be. There are so many tiny words and phrases that have stuck with me for years and years because they hit my ears at the right time and were delivered by the right person in the right way. Whether they are actually any more legitimate than the scores of actual advice I've also received is up for debate, but...

Knowing that we are all constantly altering people's life paths, how are we supposed to ever say anything of depth? What if I'm exploring my own beliefs when I tell someone something? At least 50% of what I say and imply about myself is completely untrue. Not because I want to deceive anyone, but because I don't know what is true and a generic, grayscale image is easy to project and informative. When I find that I'm projecting something that I don't like based on the way it makes people treat me, I know to alter x, y, or z. ...This is way off topic.

There have been other instances where something will happen in my life and I watch my actions play out in front of my and turn people or events of my life into stone (metal, the point is they're frozen and useless) temporarily.

I think I want to be done with writing this entry now. I have no idea what I'm trying to say anymore.

Fin.